a professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep
-W H Auden

Deepika Singh July 20, 2000

Growing up in India, a woman acquires many facets to her personality, if she is lucky! If not, she either lives silently bearing the societal tortures, or she just doesn’t realize she could have been in another situation. Sometimes I feel the latter would have been the best way to be.

Interestingly, there are many in the last situation who are utterly happy with whatever they are, however they are treated. Or is it that they do not realize that it could have been otherwise, and since they have no model to compare with…

I was born in Bombay, spent a few years of my growing up years there, some in Calcutta, some in Madras and some in New Delhi. Only one of bears the name I associate the cities with…Bombay is Mumbai, Calcutta is Kolkatta, Madras is Chennai. But that has no bearing on the subject matter of my thoughts. My thoughts are about how I was brought up to tie my hair tight in braids, oil dripping from them like I had drenched myself in the rain; I had to cover myself up from head to toe in Salwar Kameez, was allowed no freedoms which came naturally to my brothers’ lot. And then I had to bear the constant reprimands of my parents for some or the other matter, like fights with my brothers for example, for which more often than not, they were guilty.

I was not the women/girls I mentioned earlier in this monologue – the women who just don’t realize that there is some problem with their situation. From the many recollections I have of my growing up years, I clearly remember that I felt cheated, and angry at what I was made to go through. I could not well understand the gender differences then, so this treatment confounded me. I had begun to feel that the problem must lie with me – as a person, which caused my parents to repress me, treat me like a common servant.

Years later, when innocence had faded away, and the lonely heart had begun to understand that there’s always more than meets the eye in any given situation, I began to comprehend and forgive all for what they had done to my indomitable spirit.

I was a brilliant child. From the first moment I took up a book in my hand, I excelled at what I did. I have no recollection of this, but so I am told. Yet, I went to a “government” sponsored Hindi-medium school and my brothers went to convents. I wore clothes bought at cheap stores, while my brothers were dressed for the up-market culture. My brothers got their favorite foods to eat on demand, and I used to serve them while they ate (I thought it might be pertinent to mention that my brothers are ten and eight years older than me). Yet, I served them with their favorite goodies and watched them eat. I ate last, even though I never went hungry.

I was never allowed to go out and play in the streets like my brothers used to. I hated that. I was not allowed pocket money to buy me a good lunch at school. I was not permitted tearing up notebooks to make boats that my brothers would float in the clogged rainwater on the streets. Then there were the birthday parties, which I never attended. And there the birthdays that were celebrated with a long list of guests – but they were not mine, they were my brothers’. And there were birthday presents that came from my parents, whether or not we had a birthday party, but they went to my brothers. That must have hurt. But I do not have memories.

There were countless other things – like sleeping on the floor, my demands for “golgappas” being met with stony stares, being left behind when my brothers were taken out for a ride with my father in his new car, the walk along Bombay’s beach – which I sat and watched from our apartment window, the games that I could never participate in…

I am amazed that I have not been damaged psychologically. Because I am not the woman I mentioned when I started off, who never even understand that what’s happening to them could be wrong.

Back in the days I am talking about, I used to cry out loud and fight for what I thought was my right. I am sure I was hurt, but again, I don’t have recollection of that. Today, when I think back on those years, all I do is shed silent tears, without the hysterics. With the years, the memories have faded, but the pain remains.

kick off!

and the English premier league is off! it all started this saturday.

sunderland 0 1 liverpool

very good start to the season for liverpool in my opinion. hopefully this is a sign of some efficiency creeping in. playing without mascherano, lucas and babel, stevieG invisible in midfield, train stopping defence from suderland, they still managed to sneak a win albeit thanks to the brilliance of xabi alonso and torres .

almost all through the 1st half 'pool were playing the long-ball game. it was totally unrewarding (not to mention daft) - when the main asset of your main striker is pace and the opposition are defending VERY deep. booooringgg!!

this was andrea dossena's first game in the league and i think benitez told him "Boy, in england we play a very direct and fast game" . he took those words to heart and kicked the ball hard and long from left corner to right, stupidly a 1000 times. dumbo.

one main reason for the lousy 1st half was damien plessis. he's young . he's a good DM but he cant pass the ball. and on a day when gerrard was invisible, the 2nd man in midfield should have really steppd up to the plate. it may have resulted in the long ball stategy. xabi alonso came on for him and things changed.

i hope this performance from xabi alonso means that benitez will quit this cribbing about barry. ok. barry is a good player. but once masche comes back, why barry!

i would've posted a link to the goal and some other stuff but apparently youtube doesnt seem to have any footage <>

randomize (infinity)

my creative muscles atrophied for whatever reason.
great song. american pie.the original from don mclean. great song..
i wonder what my girl is gonna be like..
its kind of difficult when you feel alone when you are surrounded by people.. mom's can be imaginative if they want to be.
"I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news,
But she just smiled and turned away.
I went down to the sacred store
Where I'd heard the music years before,
But the man there said the music wouldn't play."

what would you deserve if all u get is what u earned during the day. who would be living in a big house? and who would be in a shack or on the street?

patterns - simon& garfunkel

The night sets softly
With the hush of falling leaves,
Casting shivering shadows
On the houses through the trees,
And the light from a street lamp
Paints a pattern on my wall,
Like the pieces of a puzzle
Or a child's uneven scrawl.

Up a narrow flight of stairs
In a narrow little room,
As I lie upon my bed
In the early evening gloom.
Impaled on my wall
My eyes can dimly see
The pattern of my life
And the puzzle that is me.

From the moment of my birth
To the instant of my death,
There are patterns I must follow
Just as I must breathe each breath.
Like a rat in a maze
The path before me lies,
And the pattern never alters
Until the rat dies.

And the pattern still remains
On the wall where darkness fell,
And it's fitting that it should,
For in darkness I must dwell.
Like the color of my skin,
Or the day that I grow old,
My life is made of patterns
That can scarcely be controlled.

long time

i've been spending most of my postig time at neelnair.blogspot.com,have to take a seminar on information retrieval 2mrw..hell. spent the whole day writing 2 assignments. over at last. linux bugging me. current cuts are no good. old family friend's dad passed away, really old guy. always use the hood on the raincoat. india lost in cricket. we got gold in olympic shooting. some punjabi headstrong arse-hole. reminds me of cronaldo. dickhead.

everyone is right
and no one is sorry
that is the start and
the end of the story

all the things we have lost as the time slips by
whats my calling
the lights of the city call me as i lie
i am falling

musicological madness

a few days back my friend reminded me of my great life ambition

playing the guitar...

well not just the guita actually, any ol' musical instrument will do...
i was talking about it for a few months and then the fad passed...
it was a no event, but this time i'mreally gonna learn...
if not this sem at least in the next..
and if not in the next sem then before i join for work or whatever after college..

hm.. this isnt exactly going where i had planned but what the hell... might as well write about it..

the thing i came closest to learning how 2 play was the flute!! i actually joined the school band at one point of time.. 7th grade i think it was, and blew my heart out into the flute...

i still have the heart but the flute never gave a hint of making a sound. so i went back to my 'h'art classes which havent helped much. i still need to label my scenery pictures for them to make any sense...

so if anyone has a spare guitar [or one which you'd want to donate for some crazy reason] feel free to pass it on... and you never know what you might hear... haven't you heard? late starters make great music... look at bryan adams ;)

my new blog for all my musical expeditions.. and finds !
http://neelnair.blogspot.com

2 great songs

a single by nada surf Nada Surf - L'aventurier (Indochine)
loved it!!
have a free listen [you can thank me later] :)
love the way the sound moves from side to side! its like the beginning of 'dude looks like a lady' ;)

and here's another one
Tricky - Council Estate (Drums Of Death Remix)
again have a listen ..

free

why do we download music and movies online?
think of yourself from the point of view of the creators.
its shameful.
the only consolation for me is that i'm indian and a student and hence can't afford any of this shit.
thank you americans for putting the pennies in the jukebox.
:)

early people get worms

reaching early for something doesnt pay off.
he was not an idiot who said the early bird gets the worm. because he was damn right, all you get are worms.

i tried to be early for something today. for a change maybe. or maybe because i thought it was worth it. mostly becaus ethe people we were meeting had some value for their time.

i waited for half an hour for the others to turn up. i wouldve gone on with the meeting but the 'stuff' was with them. rewinding now, i feel i shouldve taken the material from home myself.

anyhow, i called them up after waiting for a half hour. what if they were on their way, my innocent mind thought...

as it turned out the rest of them were hanging out in cocoa tree. good for them. hope they all had a great time. god bless you all.

i value my time. and so will you when u get so little of it.
a friday evening is not meant to be spent waiting for people on top of cocoa trees.
i moved on.

piece of advice : worms leave a bad taste in your mouth.